SEPTEMBER 2006

Slow Food.

Some of my most erotic experiences have been conducted over an egg mcmuffin. I won't go into details, I expect there are children present - the little cunts.

I am a deeply loyal person, and it does upset me when people just give up on things. When my mother is not on about the local dead, she likes to have a pop at fast food, as if there were something wrong with it. She is all "Fast food", in the type of tone of voice I would have got a smack for as a child.

The most terrible hypocrisy about her new fast food problem is that I can remember the performance that was made of our first family Mcdonalds. I was about ten years or twelve years old, and the family went over to London for the night and went out to watch a play at the theatre, which was dreadful -the theatre is a dark trouser of cunts, and afterwards we went to the brand new Mcdonalds in Picadilly. And our mother was all "Isn't it amazing, you ask for it and it is made under your nose in a minute flat, there's no waiting at all". And I wore long socks and a dress coat to go to that fucking Mcdonalds and sat in all the fluorescent light, on a plastic seat,with my hair down and an alice band in it, got up like a little fucking lady. And I had never seen a gherkin before in my life, it was the most extraordinary thing I had ever, ever seen or tasted - vile on its own, like a little sour frog turd, but marvellous in there with the mustard and the plastic cheese and the burger. Fuck I could almost take up meat again just thinking about it.

So, there you have it,there is nothing wrong with fast food at all. It is just food, that arrives quickly. And don't give me that saying: "good things happen to those that wait" because they do not, do they? What has ever happened to you, good, while you waited? I know that the last time I waited patiently somewhere, it was to get a tooth crowned, and that was fucking horrible, atrocious poking about. No, fast is good, otherwise there would not be races where you saw who was the fastest at running, or swimming, would there, there would be pointless events where people were professionally slow, and they would not be called races, they would be called "waits". Waiting is for cunts - fast=good
Noreen

http://emeraldbile.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Crimewatch - not up to scratch

One of my favourite television programmes is Crimewatch - a programme that gives you the gory details of all the recent crimes in Britain, under the pretext that you might be able to help solve one of them. I have never helped to solve a crime that I have seen advertised on the programme, but I enjoy watching the robbers beat up the old people.

It was really great when one of the presenters got killed and then they did a crimewatch to catch the killer. It was like life imitating art, or art imitating life, a great conundrum of mirrors and smoke, love and betrayal, intrigue and discovery.

It has got shit now, though, Crimewatch, because they have that glamourous one off the news presenting it, and her glamour has turned the heat up on the other female crimewatch staff to put out and look hot. DC Jackie Haynes, who used to turn up wearing a policeman's uniform and a hat and show e-fits of criminals to the viewers now goes to work in a thong and basque, tossing her hair (which is not tied back off her face) around like an old slag, and she is not very attractive so it is all a bit much.

The producers of Crimewatch are fucking lazy cunts,who have decided that instead of showing a large range of reconstructions of people being beaten to a pulp, raped and murdered they can just get away with flashing a bit of tit. Last week, for instance, they only showed two reconstructions of crime, in a whole hour, the rest was taken up with frotting, meaningful pauses, and the short fat one looking daggers at the other one. I don't need it. I want blood, not minge, for fuck's sake! And I even started to get caught up in the female rivalry thing that was going on, feeling sorry for the ugly one and wishing that she would lay off the slap and concentrate on her strengths, on her fine ability to show viewers the faces of criminals, but women are all about rivalry with other women, so I worked out a plan to save D.C Jackie Haynes from the monthly humiliation she endures on crimewatch at the moment as Fiona Bruce's ugly friend. Yes, If I were D.C Jackie Haynes, I would get a green card and become an American, then I would start a class action lawsuit for sexual harassment against that glamourous one for creating a sexually charged working environment, and then I would take a vast sum of money off her and spend a wedge of it on plastic surgery.

But what really upset me, even more than the two women battling it out for bloodthirsty-tv-babe status, was the bit called "Aladdin's cave", where a man in a bow tie showed lots of stolen things to the viewers in case they belonged to anyone watching. Dear god, the furniture! What a fucking disgrace. And all of these "antiques" were sheer horror; ugly, clunky gilded vulgar shite. I would, as a newly americanised D.C Jackie Haynes,as a way to offset the rather vain and personal reasons for taking Fiona Bruce to court, take the money that I won in my lawsuit (left over after my numerous cosmetic operations), hunt down the men who stole the ugly furniture and then lost it, and pay them to go out and steal more.
Noreen