A couple goes on
vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The
wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a
short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.
What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking
"isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he
informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm
reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game
warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely
she can also think.
The State of
Palestine as envisioned by Sharon and Bush Inc.
Small town law
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand in a trial, a grand motherly,
elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams,
do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit
him. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The
man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not
to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was
also surprised and shocked.
At this point, the Judge brought the courtroom to
silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a
very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards
asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
contempt."
"Watch my
lips......................"
 
The Obstacle in Our Path(Or, A
Common Trait of your Man in Kerry)In ancient
times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he
hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the
huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and
courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many
loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear,
but none did anything about getting the stone out of the
way Then
a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon
approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden
and tried to move the stone to the side of the road.
After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.
After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a
purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The
purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king
indicating that the gold was for the person who removed
the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what
many of us never understand.
Where Else?
Once upon a time, a shepherd was
looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted
road. Suddenly a brand new Lexus SUV screeches to a
halt. The driver, a man dressed in a Cerutti suit, Gucci
shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, Rolex wrist watch, and a
Versace tie got out and asked the shepherd, "If I
can guess correctly how many sheep you have, will you
give me one sheep?"
The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at the
grazing sheep and replied, "Okay". The
man parked his SUV, connected his notebook and
mobile-fax, entered into NASA website, scanned the ground
using his GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables
filled with logarithms, then printed out a 150 page
report on his high tech mini printer. He turned to
the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1586 sheep
here". The shepherd answered, "That's
correct, go ahead and pick a sheep." The man picked
one up and put it in the back of his SUV.
The shepherd looked at him and asked, "If I can
guess your profession correctly, will you return my
animal to me?" The man answered, "Yes, why
not?" The shepherd said, "You are a
consultant".
"How did you know?" asked the man.
"Very simple," answered the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called.
Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I
already knew. Third, you don't understand anything
about my business.
Now can I have my dog back?"
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