THE HANDSTAND

march 2005


TALLTALES
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Just Your Perfect Couple
 

 She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him.  He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife.  She directs him down the correct
aisle.  A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a  ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,   "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?  He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday,
I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says . . . . "Hebrews..." 



* * * * * * * *

A Polish man married an American girl after he had been in the USA a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange an immediate divorce for him.

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Pole: It is made of concrete, brick and mortar.

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?
POLE: No. We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

LAWYER: I mean, what are your relations like?
POLE: All my relations are in Poland.

LAWYER: is there any infidelity in your marriage?
POLE: Ja, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.

LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on  shelf in bathroom. I can read; it says, "Polish Remover."

Finally, the technical explanation all male engineers strive to achieve.....

Charity head arrested for allegedly exchanging food for sex
Amiram Barkat,

  Malka is the chairman of "Sharei Malka" (Queen's Gates), an organization which provides aid to needy families in the Neveh Ya'akov neighborhood of north Jerusalem.

Police launched an investigation in the beginning of November, after a widow called the Neveh Ya'akov police station claiming Malka exploited his status as chairman to force women to have sexual relations with him in exchange for food supplies.

During the investigation, police realized that female social workers in the area had known about the practice for a long time. Social workers told officers that during the last four years, many women had come to them and complained of Malka's offensive suggestions and acts.

Malka was called in for questioning last Sunday. According to police, he did not deny that he had been involved with women who were served by his organization, but said he had not required them to have sex to receive food aid. He was arrested at the end of the session and remanded on Monday.

Judge Moshe Sovel corrected a police representative at the start of a session, ruling that the crime alleged against Malka involved consensual sex while exploiting his power as a service provider.

The judge decided to extend Malka's remand by an additional day, although he added that the testimony police possessed left no suspicion that he had committed a crime. He explained that a social worker had reported that additional women had made complaints about Malka, but were currently refusing to testify.

The police representative said during the hearing that the women were afraid to testify because they feared Malka's response, as a powerful man in the area. She said that in conversations several women had said they were forced to have sex with Malka to recieve their food.

Malka's defense attorney said that the requests were "made gently" and that "even if it doesn't look nice on an aesthetic level, there is no criminal offense here."