JANUARY 2006
The best rule to teach your children, is not to speak to
anyone more than two years older or two years younger
than them, unless it is an absolute emergency. Noreen
Older parents' children are
fucking awful
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I love children, and can't fucking
stand those bitter women who announce that they never
want to have children, as a response to meeting someone
who has them. You know the kind, women who had quite a
few boyfriends in their early twenties, and then an
enormous dry spell, during which they became more and
more self obsessed, and think people are interested in
whether or not they intend to breed. Noone is interested.
I don't care whether people have children or not, they
can get sterilised, or have a million little bastards all
living off the state, I couldn't give a shite.
Yes, I am a very special person indeed, because I am even
tolerant of children who scream on planes, or who have
screaming tantrums in restaurants or shops, it just does
not bother me a bit. Quite often, I totally agree with
the little fuckers. It IS boring, waiting in a queue, or
hanging about waiting for some french nonce to bring you
awful food, and planes are big arseholes. Without Bach
Rescue Remedy, I would definitely scream on planes too,
they are dreadful places.
I am incredibly tolerant of children, as long as they are
off, busy being children. I have no wish whatsoever to
talk to them, or answer their repetitive and irritating
questions. This way, children have conversation topics in
common with the person they are speaking to: the names of
fossils, or awful japanese monsters, hilarious tales
about the friend at nursery school who forgot his pencil
case. Even better still, children do not have to answer
awful grown up questions like :"Are you enjoying
school", or "What are you doing at school at
the moment" which I used to think, and still think,
the most extraordinary sort of thing to ask anyone. And
adults escape the moronic monolgues of the young, droning
on and on about space, or their new cartoon socks. Not
that there is anything WRONG with talking utter shit, it
can be soothing to listen to, but I find, if I want some
moronic conversation,then I go to the hairdressers, and
kill two birds with one stone. I get the high of
thinking: "This person is an utter cretin" and
I come out with a neater coiffure. Until children can
blow-dry really effectively, they should be seen and not
heard.
Many of the children I know are born to "older"
parents, and it might sound unkind, but older parents are
absolute cunts. Flabbergasted that something which is not
excrement, can come out of a bodily orifice, they drag
their horrible offspring (who always have totally mental
names) everywhere, and retire from society entirely
themselves, answering all questions through their
children. I had a conversation just the other day which
went like this:
Me: " So, what are your plans for Christmas? Are you
staying here?"
Old Parent "What are we doing for Christmas,
Florian-Jay?"
Brat: stuttering, drooling, looking at his
nails, twisting one leg around the other "We
are going to my aunt's"
Me (addressed to parent) "Is that the aunt who used
to live in a commune, the one who married an
Algerian?"
Old Parent "Which aunty is it, Florian-Jay"
Brat: "My, um my, um my um (MASSIVE PAUSE) My, um .
I like winnie the pooh, do you like winnie the
pooh?"
Fucking awful children with the manners of goats. Worse
manners than goats, because their stupid, doting parents
have taught them that, as long as you prefix any type of
extreme impertinence with a mumbled "Scuse me",
then everyone will be delighted to call a halt to the
interesting conversation they were having and listen to
the nipper's bunch of garbled hogshite recounted in the
type of old-git language their parents use: "As a
matter of fact, I am at nusery school. It is nice, Mummy
takes me there. For your information I'm thoroughly
enjoying it". Jesus Fucking Christ.
Noreen
# posted by Emerald Bile @
