February 2005

Daddy, how was I born?

Cyrus asks:  Daddy, how was I born?
Dad says :Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you  your mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"




Ordering a pizza in 2008....interesting projection.


Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is
Myaddress@ com. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will
add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then
 
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids.
Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.  Your
credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn
also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank
yesterday.

Customer: Well I'll be bleep, bleep, bleep!
 
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here
in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge Oh yes,
I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
 
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The
questions are NOT difficult.

But don't scroll down until you have answered the question!


How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?








The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.


How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?








Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?" Wrong answer. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out
the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability
to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except
one. Which animal does not attend?








Correct answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just
put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer
the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show
your true abilities.


There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles, and you
do not have a boat. How do you manage it?








Correct answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This
tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90 percent of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got
several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year
old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.