tall tales
I'm startin' with this salute, and workin'
toward that full German one...
One Last Lookie
At The Cookie
An old man lay dying in his bed,
suffering the painful agony of impending death, when
suddenly he smelled the aroma of his favourite cookies
wafting up the stairs from the kitchen.
He gathered his last remaining strength and lifted
himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater
effort, gripping the railing with both hands, crawled
downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the
doorframe, peering into the kitchen. Were it not for
death's grotesque agonies, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper
on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favourite
cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one
stupendous effort of final perseverence, he lunged
towards the table, crashing on his knees. His parched
lips began to part, the imagined wondrous taste of the
cookie already in his mouth and almost raising him back
to life with desire. One withered old hand trembled its
way to the first cookie at the edge of the table.
Suddenly there was a sharp smack from a spatula.
"Don’t you touch them!" hissed his beloved
spouse through pursed lips. "They're for the
funeral!"
(hi there, goldilocks!)
*******************************************************************
Dear President
Boooosh......
I got my Allstate auto insurance
renewal in the mail. Times sure are a changin’.
Here’s the scoop. Allstate just
merged with United Healthcare so they said I would have
to switch my health insurance from Blue Cross to United
Healthcare in order to be an Allstate Advantaged
Preferred Policyholder
I called my local Allstate agent
right up on the phone and a friendly, pleasant sounding
young lady answered with a slight accent. I asked where
she was from and she said Bombay, India. I asked how long
she had been here in the U.S. She said she wasn’t in
the U.S. She was still in Bombay and that she just got
this great job with Allstate/United because of the Great
American President, Mr. Booosh.
She said Allstate/United just hired
10,000 administrative people in Bombay and that she makes
35 cents and hour. “Wow”, I said, “How do
you make ends meet?”. I said, “How do you pay
your rent”?.She said there was not rent in Bombay.
Everyone lived in grass huts in the suburbs or just on
the street. “Way cool”. I said. “That
sounds cozy”. “Kind of like perpetual spring
break”. She didn’t know what spring break was.
I asked her if she got good
benefits. And she said no. There is no such thing as
benefits in Bombay, just 35 cents an hour and a nice
calendar with a picture of Mr. Booosh on it. I
asked her what everyone did with no benefits if they got
sick. She said that she wasn’t allowed to get sick
and if she did there were no doctors because all the
Indian and Pakistani doctors went to the U.S. to help Mr.
Booosh .She said that there were no more Indians in
India or Pakistanis in Pakistan----that everyone was just
a Republican now----that President Boooosh wanted
it that way.I asked her about my new Allstate policy. She
said Allstate was now like an automobile HMO. She said to
read my new policy. I wished her luck. And read my new
policy.
My new Allstate policy says that I
can only be covered if I also have health insurance with
United Healthcare. It also said that Allstate just merged
with Sprint also, and it’s new name was Allstate
United Sprint PCS. The policy said that I would get a
package instructing me on how to switch from AT&T (my
present carrier) to Sprint.Also, Allstate would now only
insure me while driving on certain roads. I would only be
insured while driving on Allstates officially approved
roads, mainly the Interstate roads. On off-roads, which
would be all State highways and local roads, I would need
a “special insurance rider” with a $10,000
deductible. The “special rider” was flexible
with a menu of selections (like health care insurance) so
I could select the roads I liked to travel on the
most.Also, the policy said that I could insure my wife
and children as long as they also had Sprint PCS. But
they could only be covered if they were riding in the
digital area. If I got in an accident with them in the
car and we were all in an analog roaming area we
wouldn’t be covered except with a “special
insurance rider”, called the “Allstate
Advantage Automobile Analog Roaming Rider for Special
Customers”. I signed up for it, just to be on the
safe side.
The Allstate Policy said, since they
were an Automobile HMO that I would have to have bought
my car at the new network of Allstate Approved Advantage
Auto Dealers. It said, if I purchased a new car I could
go through Allstate, through United, or through Sprint
PCS, or I could elect to be in the PPO and go out of
network for my automobile needs. Of course, if I went out
of network and just bought a car at my local Ford
dealer, I may have to pay a “maximum out of
pocket” over the sticker price, adjusted for the
exchange rate differential between the U.S. and India.
I called Allstate again. A pleasant
sounding young man answered with a slight Chinese accent.
I asked him how long he had been in the U.S. He said that
he wasn’t in the U.S. He was in Zyandong Province in
Mongolia, next to China. He said, “Mr. Booosh
is a good man. He make lot’s of jobs for people in
Zyandong Province”. He said, “everyone in
Zyandong make big money, 50 cent and hour, Mr. Booosh,
he a good man.”I decided to take a break from the
phone and go get the mail. In the mail was a notice from
my employer, asking me to report to Human Resources on
Monday, or I could log on at www.youarelaidoff.com.
I had a sinking feeling in my chest.
I turned on the TV and Mr. Booosh,
I mean President Bush, was speaking at some place in the
pouring rain, wearing a baseball cap and a leather
jacket. He said he was all for work, and work was good,
and he himself liked work, and working people were good,
decent people, even if they were out of work, and that he
would go get the workers, and “smoke ‘em out
and bring ‘em ta justice”. And Mr. Booosh,
I mean President Bush, said that “everyone deserved
ta work, dead or alive”, and he said “work can
run, but it can’t hide”. He said, “we will
win this war on workers (I think he meant to say
terrorists) no matter how long it takes”. He said he
liked work so much that he was going to his ranch in
Crawford, Texas and take a month off in order to work.And
he said the Iraqi people were happy now. That we made
‘em happy cause we freed ‘em and gave ‘em
freedom and now they can work. And President Booosh
said that he wouldn’t stop until everyone in America
was fired, or rather, fired up, about work. And that he
would get the whole world workin’. Even if we
“have ta smoke ‘em out and bring ‘em ta
work”. When a reporter in the audience asked where
the workers were, Mr. Booosh said, “bring ‘em
on”, dead or alive”.
I just got my calculator out and
divided $50,000 into $350 billion (the amount of the tax
reduction Mr. Bush just gave) and it came out to be 7
million. That means that the Federal Government could
hire 7 million people and pay them $50,000 each for a
year to work on the national parks, the roads, Federal
buildings, and other programs. Instead, the $350 billion
didn’t create one single job. As a matter of fact,
93,000 more jobs disappeared last month. If there is a
single businessman, a single company or corporation that
has hired even one person based upon the “incredible
affect” that the sudden influx of $350 billion has
had on their business, I would like to hear from them. As
a matter of fact, I’d like the job myself, since I
am unemployed. The world sure is changing. I think
I’ll just go out for a drive and try to stay off the
“off roads” and out of the analog roaming areas
and just keep to the digital roads so I have proper
coverage.
I am a former staunch conservative
Republican who has recently been “born again”.
I have been “born again” into a progressive,
populist and will vote for Congressman Dennis Kucinich
(D-Ohio). I really don’t care what his party
affiliation is or whether is called a liberal, moderate
or conservative. Mr. Kucinich is a man of
integrity, honesty, common sense and sincerity.
Congressman Kucinich (D-Ohio)
is straightforward, articulate, says what he means and
means what he says. He writes his own speeches and
delivers them without notes. He doesn’t read from a
teleprompter and doesn’t need a team of a dozen
speechwriters. He actually believes that the unemployment
rate should be 0%. He believes we need to rebuild America
before spending $600 billion rebuilding Iraq. He is
for single payer, universal health care for all because
one should not have to barter away their entire life
savings to afford health care.
We now have 9 million unemployed
with jobs disappearing at the speed of light. We have
over 40 million individuals with no health insurance.
President Booosh wants
to spend $600 billion to totally rebuild Iraq. I
don’t think the entire country of Iraq was worth
$600 billion before we bombed it. And what the hell
happened to all that oil. The Iraqi people have all that
oil, but all they complain about is the fact that they
don’t have water. I guess you can’t drink oil.
I’m worried that Bush will wants to attack Syria,
Iran, North Korea and even Cuba. That will cost about $1
trillion. Its good Bush wasn’t President at the
height of the Cold War or we may have made a pre-emptive
strike on the USSR with 40,000 hydrogen bombs and we
would all be living in caves right now.
The Iraqi’s don’t have
electricity either which means that their monthly
electric bill must be pretty damn small, so they must
have some extra money to spend. Maybe Nike, and Pepsi,
and Dunkin Donuts will open up some businesses in Baghdad
and jump-start the economy. Maybe President Booosh
should give the Iraqi’s a $350 billion tax rebate.
Just think, if the average annual
earnings in Iraq is $1000 a year, a $350 billion dollar
Iraqi tax rebate could put all 27 million Iraqi men,
women and children to work, and provide a damn good
health insurance policy. And there would be lots of money
left over. Last month President Bush said he needed
another $87 billion for Iraq. When he asked for it, he
was talking to the TV teleprompter, so no one actually
answered him with a “yes, let’s go for it”
or a “no, not in your life” type of response.
All I know is, President Booosh, didn’t ask
me. I think I am going to write to him and tell him to
“not include my portion in the $87 billion”. I
think I would rather just have my portion sent to me
directly.South Carolina has a budget deficit of a billion
or so maybe Presidetn Booosh can give $2 billion
to South Carolina, and give $598 billion to Iraq. That
would be a good idea. And maybe he could spare some
pocket change out of the $87 billion (maybe a half
billion) so South Carolina can hire some teachers and fix
the schools).
I invite all Americans, whether
staunch conservative Republicans, liberal Democrats,
independents, progressives, environmentalists, small
business owners, and corporate executives to join me in
rebuilding America by electing a man of honesty,
integrity and common sense, Dennis Kucinich in
2004. He is a man who will watch how our money is spent,
and watch who is spending it for what purpose. He will
set a goal of 0% unemployment so all Americans can work.
He will provide all Americans with the right to high
quality health care that is affordable. And he will
restore the time honored trust of the doctor/patient
relationship. He will spend American money on America, to
rebuild our dams, our bridges, our roads, our national
parks. He will restore the pride and potential of our
educational system and give back to teachers the
enthusiasm and dedication that they previously had in
years past.
I truly believe that Mr. Kucinich
is the only man capable of solving the
Israeli/Palestinian problem. I encourage anyone and
everyone who has an open mind to read and ponder his
positions on all the issues of our day at his web site, www.kucinich.us.
I believe Americans are the most
likeable people on the earth, and the most generous. We
don’t need to dominate, threaten, coerce, and
control, badger, bully and bribe the world. Yes, there
are some brutal dictators in the world but we can’t
declare war on the world, forever, and spend $50 trillion
dollars to make it a picture perfect planet.If we
don’t all come together and achieve Dennis
Kucinich’s goals we are “in a pickle”.
That’s for sure.
James Boyne dboyne@aol.com is
a computer trainer, and former sales executive for IBM,
Sony and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. He is a former
staunch conservative Republican who after becoming of
victim of the health care industry, has researched,
studied, and written about the health care industry as a
freelance satirical writer. He has made a 180 degree
turnabout an now supports Rep. Dennis Kucinich
(D-Ohio) for President. Mr. Boyne has a B.S degree in
Marketing, and MBA in Marketing/Economics, and a degree
in Certified Financial Planning. This article is copyright by
James Boyne, originally published in OpEdNews.com but permission
is granted for reprint in print, email, blog, or web
media if this entire credit paragraph is attached
.this is
serious. No kidding!
from Nachoua
This test only has one question, but it's a very
important one. Please don't answer it without giving it
some serious thinking... By giving an honest answer
you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation, where you will have to make a decision one-way
or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, but yet spontaneous.Please scroll down
s-l-o-w-l-y - this is important for the test to
work correctly.
You're in Florida... in Miami, to be exact...
There is a huge chaos going on around you, caused by a
hurricane and all the flooding...There are huge masses of
water all over you....You are a CNN photographer...and
you are in the middle of this great disaster .....The
situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos...There are
houses and people floating around you, disappearing into
the water...Nature is showing all its destroying power...
and is ripping everything away with it...
Suddenly you see a man floating by on a log...
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away
by the masses of water and mud...You move closer...
Somehow the man looks familiar and, somehow, important...
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to take him away, forever...
You have two options.
You can save him or you can take the best photo of your
life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you
can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo... A photo
displaying the death of a very powerful man...
And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)
Will you take the photo in black and white, or color?
|
